my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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