An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
