Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
