so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
