Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
