I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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