hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
