Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
