That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
