Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
