I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize