and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
