Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
