I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
