I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I want a musical about memes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
