I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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