3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
