he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize