I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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