come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
