Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This is my gift to your gina
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
