Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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