does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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