I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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