I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I will pee on everything he values.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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