the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
