this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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