Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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