Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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