Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
