I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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