Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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