tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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