One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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