Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
