I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
