god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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