yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
