If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
