i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
