it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
