The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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