I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
