i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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