He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think a kid would responsible me up
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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