so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
