We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
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Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
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what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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