My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
