me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
