I'm really into asian looking animals
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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