all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
