after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
