A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
