I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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