I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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