I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
